Im such a weiner....

My last post was a little explosive. Well, i feel like i have that little buggy out of my system.
Today i am working till one and then i go and pick up asher from tabs and we are off to Redding! I know...i never thought the day would come either when i would put an exclamation point at the end of that word. But i do....Redding!!!! Im just so glad to get away. Im glad to see my lovely friend elena and to visit with jordans family. I have gained a whole 10 pounds in my 4 months of pregnancy and it kinda hurts my ego. "hi family!!!! arent i fat?" But no, its ok, cause im pregnant and like I've said before, im no nibbler. Its not even me........its this thing...this feeling, im so empty feeling in my stomach that all i can do is keep eating and eating. I mean, i can eat like three plates full of whatever and a couple glasses of milk and desert if i just dont stop myself.
So we are going to redding tonight and then leaving on monday. I should be a nice little visit and hopefully we'll get to relax. Im nerveous about the first part of the trip, my car is just jimmy rigged all over to get me to and from work(2 miles away) so i have to drive my car to lake county to where jordan is working and then we will leave it there and take his truck the rest of the way to redding. I hope i hope i hope it doesnt break down......



We havnt given up on it cause i look so cute driveing around!

Remember the land?

Pregnant feelings......

I feel like i need a therapist or a person outside of my family that i can talk to..............maybe someone i can even talk a little poop too about people. Not to be a bad person, or someone who constantly has bad things to say about people, i just need to be able to be heard.......for someone to be in the same room with me, who is totally engaged in what i am saying, and they have no judgemental feeling towards me, and they dont say much....just agree and let me talk. My husband is good for that, dont get me wrong, i talk his head off every chance i get.
But i also dont want him to get the wrong impression of me, i dont want him to think that i am always cinicle and negative towards people, a backstabber or constantly compaining. Plus, i view it as poison, polution.....dont talk bad about the ones you love. But i love talking bad..........or maybe i just love getting it out of me, these feeling of hurt, confusion and discomfort. I think i will see what God wants to do with it. I dont want to pollute God either, and i dont want him to tell me to shut up. God...the ultimate best friend, i'll just let you know every little thing that bothers me. That girls manners, that ones feeling of others, the way that one treats her husband, the way that one treats others, the way that one views the world, that way that one has no hope, the way that one always complains...............i need to change. I know the problem is me. Im no backstabber.....i am a loyal and true family member and friend, i just get these thoughts, and i want them out. They bother me. But all in all, i love all of the time, and i want to love everyone.
Lets just say i do love everyone, but i still get bothered by their differences and their petty problems, i wonder what they have to say about me??
Maybe people think i talk to much about what bothers me.........i would like to encourage every once in a while. But maybe thats just the thing....your so freken insecure and selfish that i am always telling you that you are so great and no your not fat, your a great mom, you dont have acne, your son isnt under weight, and then i start feeling like you are a little ugly cause you cant except the love around you and you cant realize that you have great things going for you and that there really is no problems except the ones that you are makeing up in your head!!!!
maybe i do encourage all of the freken time and now i just want to tell you to shut up or be happy!

there, i did it. I just need to blow up every once in a while or else i start to go mad!

I mean, i just beleive the only way some people feel good in life is to tell others all these bad things they "think" about themselves, just so the other person will give them a compliment. But if they keep useing that card, eventually others will just start agreeing with them. Hey, if you beleive that about yourself so much, then maybe its true?
Im mean arent i? Dont fish for compliments ok? If you need help, support, a kind ear. Im here and i love you, if you want to put yourself down all day and everyone around you so that im constantly running out of breath to tell you that life is better and so are you, then i just need a little break in between visits. We can be like the 'once a week friends" .

blogger shmogger why is it so hard????

So i am trying to simply make a friends list and add you all on there, just like you have in your sidebar. Im sitting stupidly at this computer wasteing an hour of perfectly good typeing time, just to accomplish nothing. Every time i want to look at someones blog....it goes a little like this
step 1. click on a comment
step 2. click on that persons page
step 3. then use their friends list to see their ffriends latest blogs
then start all over if i want other sites. so just to keep up on my daily reading, i have to click click freken click click!!!


Now that i got that out of the way, i just wanted anyone to know that your not on there cause i dont know how to put you there.

So i woke up this morning at 5.55am as jordan was scrambling around the room with dreads flying tripping over the pants around his ankles, i took another blury look at the clock and said that bad "s" word and then he says "yeah i know" and then i jump up and try not to wake asher cause today is the day that he can stay sleeping and our roomate will watch him until i get off of work. Work.....thats right, back to the wakeing up part.
I was supposed to be at work at 4:45am and it baffles me that i didnt hear the alarm even squeek. I glance a judgemental squinty side glare jordans way for the breif thought that he turned it off once again and made me late(and himself) but then i quickly get dressed and yell "im late!!" he says "me too!!!" We kiss and im out the door, blocking the dog as he's tail wacking me and trying to jump up my face, i hold him off with the door and shove him in and get into my car.
I am now the employer and the employee, so there is some reasurance in this but i find myself contiplateing wether i should fire myself if this turns into a pattern or if i should keep myslef on for my other great attributes.....then i hear my sister inlaw stiring up stairs (she is also part employer now) and i start the car as quick as possible and slam it into gear so maybe she thinks i am just a passing car and not one that is an hour late in her driveway. I dont stop at the sign and floor it out of there(at about 5 miles an hour....since the car is so cold) so maybe she wont look out the window and see me.
I get to work.........start the coffee just as the work crew pulls in(my husband, my brother and my brother in-law) they all walk straight back to the fridge case and grab their meal deals. I have jordan put the air conditioner back into the window cause it weighs more than asher and then they all wait ten minutes for me to scramble to get the brazil roast going so they can drink their coffee....they all like the light roast the best. The brother in law pays with his card.....the brother says that his wife will pay for it (the part owner law i outran this morning)
and jordan pays with the gift certificate i gave him for his birthday. They leave...kissy kissy, luvs mm hmms...bye now
Then i get a call .....6:30am
Its the roomate. I hear crying in the background and she says that asher is awake and he is really upset. So i get on the phone with him and i can tell by the tone in his voice that he is so exhausted that his eyes are probably rolling back in his head and he cant be calmed down. So i do all the usual tricks......."big like batman" and "we are going to hear the baby's heartbeat today and you are the big brother" he is still sad but i can tell he is excited to go to the doctor with me. I tell my roommate that im really sorry, i dont know why he woke so early(i had promised him sleeping till nine) but then i had to hang up cause a line of people came in at once and i was left wondering how asher handled himself today. He is in a new phase, The one that hates it when i leave and crys heartbreaking crys when i dont stay. If i get up at 4:30am to go to work, he used to stay asleep for the ride to my sisters, but now he wakes up....crys, asks for juice, asks for a story, to touch my face, for me to lay with him.........then im swerving to work 15 minutes late, asher is juiced, fed, storied and he still woke up my sister and if the screaming goes on for a while, then my sisters two children too.
Life goes on.
I am going to enroll him into the preschool here for this year. I feel like he will love it. He has been obsessed with it for years, ready for school!! he yells when he gets his back pack on. We plan to homeschool for sure. I picture more children and more time. I guess those are things that i have work at (except the baby makeing part!) Right now though, it feels just like the perfect thing. He can go one day a week or 5. He can go home at 12:30 or 5pm(hopefully not longer) I have heard nothing but good things about the teachers and the programs and so im really excited for him. Our plan is to have him in there this year....maybe next, and then by then we will be more established. I will stay home with the kids (it feels so weird saying the word with an s) and teach them what i can, and the bissiness will be more steady and running easily without me being behind the counter 40 hours a week. Someday i think we might even hire someone outside of the family to work here.Then we can all be in the same place at the same time!

AAAHHHHHhhhhhhh...........the first sip of a real coca cola. I am finally haveing a better day.

Weird things....

So there is this guy who is with this woman who.....has an addiction problem that i am guessing has gone on for many years....you can just tell. She has been coming into the shop every so often, and i alsways apreciate her happy attitude, although it is obvious that it is coming from a form of drugs, she stil is always sweet to me and knows my name. She drives this mercedes that is maybe a 73 and i have a broken one that has been a huge burden on us since it broke, and its a 76.

So i said one day "hey, do you happen to have an extra radiator?" she said no way...you have to find it on ebay. But then one day she brought in the guy. He kinda creeps me out cause he is so "mellow" and he looks like jerry garcia but more handsome and he is like "chill mama' and stuff like that. He comes in cause she said that my car was broken and its sad......so he said "i heard you have an old mercedes that is broken, do you want me to come look at it, i have 4 of them." i said, well sure that would be great, we could use all the help could get. then he asks when would be a good day to come over. I say any time thats god for him. He was like "well, im not good with appointments and i dont like being expected places, so just give me a time and if i dont show up, its because im not good with keeping my appts. I say um......every day after 6:30 or 7 and that seemed to work for him.
He came in again yesterday and said that he figured that it was a good day to go look at my car. So i told him that jordan would be there and he said that he would either be there by 6:30 or around the time that the sun goes down. When i got home from work........my car was driveing around the block for like a half hour without problems. My good ol' mercedes. So jordan comes in and was like "wow! that guy is really cool, i like him, and he fixed the car, and he is going to show me how to fix it up and he want to help us make it cherry." Well i got suspicious and was like "what the hell does he want?" because its creepy these days when people do things with no expectations of payment. But jordan said that he didnt want anything, but that he gave the guy a pack of ciggs. and 30 dollars. So thanks God for sending the used mercedes angel and his very unlikeley girlfiriend.

He said that right now he thinks we could drive it to santa rosa and back, but no more until we fix it up more. Of course the horrible side in me says to jordan "but i dont want a car that can drive a little ways....i want one that will actually take us places......without breaking down, maybe we can fix it up enough to sell it?" He has always wanted to keep it.......through this whole time of buying it from a dealership for 2 thousand dollars and then haveing it break down in 3 weeks and then haveing it sit in my sisters yard for 3 months. I cried(for real) almost every time looked at the beast....'my new baby is going to float around in that?'
.............i feel it will all work out, i need to keep praying, thats when the good stuff happens.

Im in this weird phase, i cant stop typeing and i dont have that many interesting things to say, but why not right? I dont really journal any more and i used to do that for years and years. One day the internet will blow up and crash and all of my precious memories will be gone......or there could be a fire and all of my journals will burn, so either way i might just be needing a way to express myself all of the time.
The baby feels so different this time. I dont remember feeling so achey so early. The baby is only the size of an apple and i feel like im already waddleing. I have officially gained 10 pounds in the first trimester. Im a little pissed and it makes me avoid the mirror, but it was inevitable. Im not one of those pregos who nibbles. I have to have a meal every 2 hours, thats just all there is to it. I do hope i can keep my weight gain in the right amount this time. Its feels so bad to feel bad.
With asher i gained 45 pounds. Before i was pregnant with him though, i was a smoker, addicted to meth and had a eating disorder.....so the blow up in weight was understandable. Thats probably why it was so hard for me. It depressed me so bad cause i was obsessed with my weight to begin with. Not to mention the relationship i was in and how much i tried to please this child who was going to be a father. I even took vicadin and smoked pot a few times so that mu x-husband would say "hey, dont do that its bad for the baby" and then i would see that he cared. But he never did. I was so stupid. Who isnt at 17?
This pregnancy is bound to be better. Yes it has been hard. It was really hard to hear that jordan was having a really hard time with it. That this wasnt the pregnancy he pictured haveing with me in his dreams, but i feel like it couldnt be helped.
Well maybe if i counted on God straight from the beginning instead of waiting for things to get really bad....then it woudnt have been such a bad three months.
Oh well, i can only hope for the best. I really do love being pregnant
i just dont love being crazy and stressed out and working 80 hours a week and still not haveing enough money to pay the bills.
God is good! :)

I never really really leave

So........

Yeah, it has been a while. Busy busy. I had a couple hundred break downs and a crazy first few weeks as a new small bussiness owner and now i feel like i am able to take a little breather...............aaahhhhh
So this is what my baby looks like this week (just 15) and i really really think that she is a girl, and Im excited!

My midwife...who is awsome by the way, says she thinks its a girl because the heart beat is really fast and thats probably why my symptoms are completley opposite of what ashers pregnancy was like.


I feel better, way better. I am now a little more happy about everything. I love my husband and son more this week than i have in the last 3 months and i love my job, and my family, and my situation. I had been soooooo stressed out, i cant even explain the torture i put myself and jordan through with all of my worrying and unhappiness.

Its not like i could help it really, i would collaps on our bed every night and just cry and not be able to move, just so so tired, which made me sick, which made me angry..."why me, why now?"
But then something just snapped, and so did jordan. (poor guy)
I was feeling the whole....."show me some attention and act pregnant too cause im suffering" thing and he couldn't even say hi without me biteing his head off ....it was one of those visious cycles that takes just one person acting great first, and then the other follows.
Of course we couldnt do that or figure that out until the clouds parted and a voice from heaven says "BE NICE".
Long story short, we sorted it out, but the really funny thing to me is, that this is when all of the doctors and books tell you everything will sort out. After the first 3 months is over, then you start to feel sane again and you can look on the world with love every morning once more.

So im still tired but im getting into the feeling of pregancy and the joy of it. Im actually excited this time and not really freaked out. I feel loved, and i feel like my baby is loved and this is the first week where i dont feel like compaining anymore(thanks God) i was getting tired of my own voice rattleing around and around our one bedroom.

The coffee shop is going great! We opened last sunday and it has been a thrill and a freak show and at first i couldn'e breath(first trimesters fault im sure) but its starting to settle in. I picture carrying my newborn in a sling while makeing coffee for the masses.
I want everyone i know to come and see it and feel how much of our time we put into this little business already. God just told us to go for it, and then it felt like it was never going to happen, but through the whole thing, we all knew we would get it. So since God put it together, i feel like its going to be exactly that thing that will fill us with that sence of (what is it?) Its just going to be great some day, beleive!

Its jordans 22nd birthday on Monday, so we celebrated it last night at scandia family fun center. I think he had a lot of fun...and yes thats where he wanted to go. We splurged on random video games and rides for hours and hours. It was great. I almost got mad when we were rideing the go carts......but the sign said "pregnant woman not advised" and i still went, so it was my fault.

There we were, green light go.
Theres like 10 of us, going pretty fast, and jordan the birthday boy is in front. Birthday luck. So i was having fun, speeding around and skidding out all over the place, when i come up on jordan to pass him. He freken slams on his brakes!!
It was like getting into a small car crash (which is what it was) and i went to a dead stop. Anyway, i started to get mad, cause he kept doing it and i was yelling at him and tell him to be careful, then i would try and pass him again....That kid, he almost killed us both. If the cart didnt have seatbelts i would have been skidding across the track on my face. I saw this crazed look in his eyes like "i dont even know who you are and i am the god of the race track JORDAN!!!!!"

So i got this feeling of like.....rage i guess you would call it, and i started swerving right to left to get a good angle on his bumper, then at the end was my best chance and i got him pretty good. He slammed into the guard rail when i bumped in and spun all the way backward, i think he even got hit by the others.....HAHAHAH WHOS THE WINNER NOW??!!!

Anyway, it was a pretty fun party. We played miniture golf and the batting cages, and then went to dennys for a 2 in the morning snack. Happy Birthday bud. Pregnant girls out there, in case you were wondering if you could ride the bumper cars , i would say, no. People tend to lose themselves in the game if you know what i mean. Its not for the safety of your baby im worried about....but your relationships! no im just jokeing, it wasnt that bad.....really, i only have like 2 bruises from the seatbelt impact!

im soooo ill

Help!!!

I don't puke, i feel like it all day but it doesnt come out all to easy. I sit at work and slump in my chair behind the register and my eyes slowly start to close and then im jolted awake by the screechy screen door and some person bothering me for another cup of coffee! gosh....im trying to rest here!
I just don't know what to do....this baby isn't even that big and it makes me spin and cry and sleep at off hours of the day....and the smells!

I get allot of....how do you say, wealthy people in the coffee shop right now. I can tell that they are usually shocked to see me and i try to smile even though i can tell by just glancing at them that they are definatly not going to smile at me.
Anyway....they wear all sorts of smells and since i have been all natural for some time now.....its just worse now that im pregnant.

I don't know what it was, tommy or something just rancid. To my nose, it smelt like someone sprayed down a dead body with windex to try and cover up the oder. So im sitting there......jaws are now watering and my gut is doing flips all around and this guy wants 3 pasteries and a latte' and i keep trying to bend over so i can inhale under the counter and then hold my breath while i am talking to him. So it sounds a little funny and my eyes start to water cause it depresses me to feel so sick all of the time and i already explained the whole unexplained crying thing.

I think i need to wear a face mask to work. Everwhere. On walks i feel like everything smells like poop and peoples body oders stinck when they walk past me in the store. Whats wrong with me? I feel like i can't even get out of bed...yet i do every day all day. It just makes me so sad.
i Know it will be over soon. I hope it goes away, i just want to curl up in bed and have an iv feed me whenever and let the little thing grow while i sleep ok?
And what do i do if i get fat!!!!! im haveing a melt down today

every time!

Im a baby, really, why is it ok for me to complain? i have so much
and my life is great aaaannnnnnddd im pregnant and going to be owning a coffee shop in 15 days!..........but i get this feeling.....uugggh

I just want to leave. I know it will happen some day, we will travel and we will also be stable.
It's around this time evey year that the buses start driving by on the freeway. As im headed

For food max for a cheap weekly shopping spree for my family, the hippies are on the move,
vegie-oil at that and they are smileing of course, and yes there are tons of them,
all sweaty and stinky....the smell i like for some reason, and they are going somewhere, even if for no reason.
Whenever Jordan and i are together and we see those busses go by.....we sort of watch it go out of sight, then sigh quietly and then i usually say something along the line of "lets just go.....turn around right now and follow them!" then we laugh and talk about when it will be our turn and drive on to food max.

We went to the Health and Harmoney festival yesterday. In a way it helped and it made things worse. But either way, it was fun and i could tell it was just something we needed in some way.
Yesterday asher said that the "teeny tiney baby was going to pop out of my belly button in 3 days and 3 nights" (we have been reading the story of jonah and the whale almost evey night)
I said " no silly, it dosn't come out of my belly button" he said "where does it come out of?" I think i said "uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh" for like 5 minutes until he lost interest.

I just didn't want to teach him that new word yet, that he will probably go and tell everyone at just the right moments........vagina!!!!!

He then told me that he has a baby too.........then he pointed right behind his shoulder blade and said it's growing. You know.....it is pretty complicated to understand

Yes.....so there is more good things to come....

So, Guess what my job description is going to be in about 15-30 days? ready?

"Barista and training manager" who also takes care of the graphics for

the company logo and the "feing shui"(dont laugh at me....who can spell

that?) of the shop as a whole. So we got the place!!!!


Welsome to Mama Java!! I am learning how to make latte art right

now....well not right now, but i am printing out the instructions! Get

ready to have your latte' served with a little heart shaped crema on top!

Things have just been crazy, and we are still in escrow.....but God pulled

everything together like he always does when things are supposed to

work out and we are supposed to get the keys handed over to us in like 15

days! ahhhhh!!!

Im losing sleep here! or it feels like i am.....this pregnancy thing is a little

tireing.......ive never beed this tired in my life....i swear

i don't know whats wrong with me......its practically unsafe for me to be

behind the wheel....or the coffee counter. I feel like i am death walking everywhere i go..........but i know it will get better and i have managed a

few naps. Tonight i am going into town because i have to get busy on the logo for the shop....we are going to make the big sign really soon and its

my job! wwwhhhyyyyyyyy?
so its almost 11pm and im driving 45 minutes out.....crazy. Things have

been good though. The car is still broken, but on its way to recovery, and i am going to set
up appt. with the midwife i had with asher and im really excited cause

she is so "all knowing" and sweet.


I mean i thought that i had done all of this before and now im wondering

things like....can i sun bathe? can i do the ab roller? come on........really

So heres the roiugh draft sign that i made,,,,,,,,but im going to make a

few changes before i paint it on. eeeehhhh!

guess what??!!!!

This is what the new member of my family looks like so far............it's so cute!

you miss me?

Heloooooo,

I know i know, its been so long, and now is hardly the appropriate time to catch "myself" up on everything that has been going on with me since the last time that i have blogged. Lets just call it crazy and say that i have been sooooo full of stuff to do that my head still spins when i take a little break throughout the day to relax. Who would have thought that working full time for the first time as a mother would have tired me out a little bit? Or that it breaks my heart when my little boy runs to me whenever i get home from work and yells "o mommy i miss you!" So i spen a lot of my down time with the two men in my life (asher and jordan). You know how it goes.,.......some bad things......some good things.

Like buying a 1976 mercedes benz and cruising around in style with a sunroof for three weeks and then haveing the radiator blow out befor we even had the chance to fully pay it off. We moved into the basement of my brothers house,
We are getting a mobile home renovated for us as i type and we are really really.....um really blessed to know the owners personlally and only pay 400 dollars a month for a 60 ft trailer and a fenced in yard and a deck and a car port.....you name it....we are getting it.

Umm.......me and my sisters and my mom are buying the coffee shop that i work at!!!!

Yeah....i know. Can you beleive it? I cant i really cant. We have 20 days left in escrow. Its going to be called "MamaJava" and my mom is going to make organic treats and we will sell organic coffee and stuff. I can also sell the clothes i make in the store.....oh oooohhhh ohh and we are going to have it be kid friendly so that we can sling children around on our hips while we make esspresso drinks.

Things are great and i am very blessed and i promise that i will continue to be a true blogger.

Please pray that we get this shop! uh...and this house....and a car....
love you

bethany

So We Are Praying....



This whole trailer thing is not happening really easily. We need 2700 dollars down payment just for the loan of the 13,000 dollar trailer. Its all so weird to me. Borrowing money, weither it be from a bank, credit union, or person. Feels kinda the same. Jordan is so set on it that he is convincing me that it will all work out smoothley. But me, im the one who sits there and scans the press democrat every day to see if any apt. for rents came up. You know, things might not work out the way that we plan, thats all.

You always have to have a back up plan right? Wrong for some people right for me. I just back up and back up and keep on backing up until my direction is totally changed and guess what? I just took a ton of steps backward! Sometimes planning ahead is only putting you in doubt of Gods plan for you and leaving you further behind than when you started.

Im just worried. I want it all to work out good. Ultimatley i know that it will, we won't be out on the streets or anything or go hungry. I just try so hard to make them work out down to the hour, the way that i want, and God comes along and messes it all up! cha!

So i guess i have to give it over to him. again. Last night at dinner we told asher to pray for God to Give us 2700 dollars so that we can get the trailer. Asher says "Dear Lord please give us one hundred dollars so that we can buy a trailer, amen" Jordan says "yes God, and multiply that by twenty seven" and then i make asher say the prayer over again with the correct amount and then we continue eating as if we werent just really weird.

Oh yeah, and thanks God that you are always in control, what would my life be like if i actually ran it?

Sick!!



I layed in bed all the day before yesterday , i think i got 7 hours of smallville in! I could feel it coming on and the sickness just got worse and worse. I woke up sunday moning with phlem up tp my ears and a booming headache. I had to be at work by 6:45am and thought i would die. All day i chocked down emergency and echinacia pills, hot teas and stuff like that. Then I got home form work and layed in bed, had some tea and slept for 3 hours.

Then i had a good nights sleep and i feel so much better. I never beleive in all that herbal stuff until it works on me every time....its funny. I hope it doesn't come back, i have sooooo much work to do this week and i couldn't handle talking to all those people with inflamed tonsils.
Pretty much every hour im not working, im babysitting. Its crazy of me and my sister to do this whole, i work you babysit, you work i babysit. But if we didn't do it for eachother, we would both be paying out so much money for a babysitter and probably not make much more money at our job then we would be paying out for babysitting.

We both try to keep in touch with eachother about all that happened throughout the day, how the kids are doing and how we are feeling about it all. Thank you God!

Parenting a toddler......


I was just out having my morning coffee and smoke and i flashed back to a couple of weeks ago, when it was wet and rainy and it was befor my husband patched the holes in the fence that asher and the puppy would crawl through into the neighbors yard. My sister heard this story and said that i had to write it down, to remember how funny it is(or will be later!) So i'll just paint the pretty picture of my neighbors yard. She lives by herself and has this dream house made of dark stained wood. Wrap around deck, hot tub, gardened around the whole property. My son and the dog had gone through the whole befor but she wasn't home, so i got them quickly and ran home. She has this king size livingroom that instead of a wall.....there is a huge window. I mean huge. If it werent for how short i am, i would be able to see everything she does!
So on this wet afternoon, asher decided to keep crawling with the dog, even when my voice elevated to that annoying parent who has no control over their child, and bordered on abuse in the tone,he still kept going. I was getting so angry. I didn't want to have to go up on the road, down her stairs and into her yard, where she could see everything from her livingroom. So i started screaming "Asher you get back here! I mean it! ONE.........TWO..........THREEEEEEE!!!!!!!
I was soooo mad! I started tromping up my stairs and then i could see him and the dog running through her flower bed, and then i saw her standing in her livingroom watching them tresspass and wreck her yard. My yells turned into a angry whisper hiss as im saying why he will get in trouble and that he better start walking up her stairs. He still didn't listen. So i ran down her stairs and right when i reached her first deck, i kinda lost my balance, did the splits a little and caught my balance. Then i put my foot on the next deck that asher was on and my feet flew out from underneath me, vooooooop! Right on my butt. Now the puppy is still a puppy and he thought i was coming down to his level to play, so he starts attacking my face and jumping all over me and asher is laughing! Im muddy, wet, and have this throbbing butt bone.
My face turns redder than it already is because i know the lady is watching it all take place....she probably felt so bad for me after stifleing a few laughs. I grabbed asher and marched him home faster then ever. I knew i was so angry that it wasn't good. So befor giving him a spanken, i counted to ten. Then i counted to 20 and 30. Finally, that helped. The next day, after telling jordan in fits of laughing imbarrasment, he patched the holes in the fence and it hasn't happened sence!

Asher and his new gate.........

Tired and Wired.....





There is this lady that comes into the coffee shop every day, and she orders the same thing(she orders it wrong too) and she gives me this look. Like the worst look i have ever been given. I make her drink and i just start talking like she is actually listening. I sit there and mentally tell myself to smile, cause it starts to fade into this, i want to smack you frown and then i say "smile beth, smile" and then it comes back for a sjort while. I mean....this look, it's like non i've ever seen before. She just stares with this disaproval of doom. She stares so hard that i find myself mindlessly wipeing my face off while makeing coffee or looking down at my shirt to make sure there are no boogers on me. Oh the life of a hippy who works at a golf corse coffe shop......


Im tired today, but allot better than yesterday. The opening shift went well. I was all by myself and i even remembered the alarm code and everything! Some people were really rude and then most of them were sweet. I made 20 dollars in tips that morning and i was stoked....thats allot right? I get to choose my own music when i work. Like i said.....some people were really rude. But hey....im the one whoes in there all day, i think it's great that i get to play my own stuff and close my eyes and dream that its really my shop....with tapestry's and insence burning when people swing open the doors to my ragge music blasing. hehehha
they are in for a pleasant treat hireing me!

Hey.....

Has anyone ever heard of the "worship gypsies"? let me know.....im interested

I think im just obsessed with pictures...........but i just put theses up on snapfish and i want to show where i live and stuff....:)

Im a Bistro girl




I get this short amount of training and then...poof, im the only one left in the shop! I mean im totally capable of learning quickly, but come on........"theres the key, theres the alarm, and the cash register and when the costumers pile in, don't feel to overwhlemed ok?" Im like "uh, yeah, i got it under control. " So the girl comes in and orders a non-fat white chocolate mocha and i make it for her. and she's all "yum! this is really good!" i say thanks and she leaves. I look down and realize that i was whole milk. No wonder she liked it so much! hehehe she was really skinny so i didn't feel that bad puting some meat on her bones.........but im nerveous to be alone in that big ol'shop! I start full time on Sunday. They said i could have all the free drinks i want and i was excited about that, and then thought "uh oh........i'll be wired." But things will work out.
....................................................................................................................

We kinda got evicted. Bad news. Well our landlord has been real hard to live with. He asked me the other day while barking at me for a half hour if we just didn't like him and his wife. I didn't want to lie so i said nothing. It was pretty akward. Jordan and i are going try and get approved this weekend for a trailer. A really nice trailer. Bath, king size bed ina seperate room, kitchen......the works. We checked out a trailer park about a mile down the road from where we live now. It all seems like a good idea. We will be saving hundreds of dollars a month with the new rent of 500$ a month and my new job. Its a spot right on the river and seems nice and clean, not to creepy. Im excited and nerveous. When jordan builds his first house and sells it in the next year.......we might just pay off the trailer and keep it. Ya know.......be able to just pick and bring our home with us wherever we go. I'ts going to be a challenge, but what isn't right?

UHG..

So i tell my husband last night befor falling to sleep. "jordan, im just sad." He says "give thanks" i get all hurt and defensive "i am thankful". I said "can't one be sad and thankful?" and he said "when i have a thankful heart, it usually takes away my sadness." Then he prayed for me and i finially felt peaceful enough to sleep. I know he's right too. When i start thanking God instead of being selfish, i seem to find more and more reasons to be thankful for. So God, i just thank you for life, for family, for your plan, for my house, for my husband and son, for the sushine, and for emotions, for problems to arise, so that i can give them to you. I have been feeling so sick, i think its stress and all this energy built up inside me and it cramps my body and makes my head spin.....i am running on pure worry(which is obviously not from God) and its not going to last long. I feel like im closer to God right now during these times of trouble, than i was before the problems started..........and i know im not pregnant, i found that out this morning, so im not just emotional, erational, and sick because of that. To be utterly and sadly honest, i just miss my sister.......and she is here with me but shes not really here with me, and it hurts my heart, all day long, all night long. And love is so amazing, i have four sisters and one brother and a load of neices and nephews and brother in laws and siser in law. My love for all of them is strong, and different for each one. Thank you God for love. Thank you for my hurting heart so that i know i feel. I know that you flow through me because im not cold. Thank you thank you thank you.

Choices choices.......






Im kinda tourn and excited. I'm pretty sure that i just got a job at this little coffee shop, and its like
4 days a week in the afternoons. I havn't had a job in years and i have always tried to get a job at coffee shops because they
usually seem laid back, fun, and something i could learn quickly and enjoy doing. The scarey part is that i have been ashers primary care since he was born. My sisters husband recently got this job where he has to be gone for 5 days a week for some months and she is going to need some help with babysitting her two children. So i think we are going to work something out to where i can work and she will watch asher, and she can work more, and do more things and i will watch her kids. The thing is, is that this happenend so fast. I talked to my sister about it during the middle of the week......just threw it out there like "hey, i might get a job, think about it..." and then the manager calls me on friday, asks me to come in monday to be trained and see if i could pick up morning shifs too. I was so thrown off that this lady just is hireing me without ever talking to me and that im propbably going to start after monday....tomarrow! So much is going on in this past week....its people and finance overload. Right now jordan is trying to figure out how to get me a vehicle so that it would be easier for me to work, so i don't have to make him get a ride to work every day in order to use the truck. So i have been just trying to give it to God. I go to art class Monday and Wednesday nights. I just finished midterms and am halfway through. But i have this feeling that i should just not go anymore.....for one, so i can be available for that wednesday that tabitha works and i can spend more time with asher and jordan at night. aaahhh! im just really nerveous and blessed. I can't imagine getting a new vehicle, haveing a full/part time job, and haveing asher be without his mom or dad for 4-5 8 hour shifts out of the week. I opened my bible this morning and God gave me this: My help comes form the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth. Psalms 121:1-2
I know the verse well, and it's so simple, yet it fills me with such hope. I just have to ask him.......not even that. It doesn't say ask and you will get help from God. It is simply stateing that all of my help comes from the Lord. Any help i have unseen, help i will receive and help i desire, comes from God.

Thanks



Ok, im just going to write a little bit and then get up and clean this place up......i promise.
So yesterday was a good day. I still feel a little drained of my energy, a little confused with the future
and my body aches from the left over stress. But things seem better, feel more hopeful and even peaceful.
Im so excited about the things i got done yesterday. Jordan(my husband of less than a year) and i have been wanting a new drum ever since my djembe blew up in our bus in redding. Its been almost a year since we really played and to see that thing sitting in the corner was just depressing at times. But the chance finally arrose where we had the abillity to buy a new one......and fix the old one. So i searched on ebay and found the perfect drum. It is called "the praying hands drums" and its this beautiful dark wood, its pretty big, black nylon rope and at the base of it, is a hand carved circle with these two hands pressed together in prayer. It finally worked out for me to order it, put the money in the mail.....and it should be here in a week or two! and then i was walking around with my sister tabitha and we came accross this store that has been in our small town for like a hundred years and it turns out they have new owners who put drum heads on for really cheap. So i dropped our old drum off and that will be ready in a few weeks as well. Then theres my manual camera. Im always messing around with it, trying to learn it in and out. so it broke and i thought it was the battery, once i paid way to much for a battery to fix it......it turns out that wasn't the problem. So i asked tabitha(shes a photographer) what could be wrong with it.....i ask her a camera question about 2 times a year(when my cameras give out). She said that i could have one of hers! And its really old, looks like it will take really nice pictures and its her first camera that she saved up for when she was 13. Im so excited! Its only 9:30am and i have already been outside snapping pictures of the woods and the dew and the sunlight. I think God just wanted to give a little booste in my spirit cause the person i have been hurt about, seems so much better yesterday. so much better and that made me hopeful and happy. The downside to the start of my weekend is that everyone in my house is sick. Asher wakes up with his throught closed in the middle of the night and i have to calm him down so he wont hyperventalate. Jordan came home from work at about 6:30 yesterday with a sore throught and a little fever and he took nyquill and went straight to bed.....and is still there. I know when he is really sick, he "sleeps in" past 7am. So i got him some emergency, and i want to get going and really clean this house. This house has depressed me to no end. But it gets better. Its like the more i thank God for what i have, the more he shows me to be thankful for. We have a little puppy named Minrah and we got him at like 8 weeks old. But did anyone tell me that puppies were like having more children or such a pain? probably, but i just didn't listen. Oh! he is so needy and whines to be held...im serious. And now he only pees at night time. But for about 2 months now our house has smelled of pee. I walk in sometimes and just have to turn around and walk out. The thing is , is that asher has been without diapers for about 2 months as well. So when we first started with asher, he would really pee the bed every night, and sometimes at nap time. Him and Minrah were on the same schedual for peeing all over everything we own. I mean i don't think we have had a visitor in months. There is a pile of every blanket we own in the hallway that i keep washing and hanging, and washing and hanging....but the good news is, is that they are both almost like 80% better. Soon we will be pee free. Then we are going to move all of our furniture out and steam vac the whole house. actually...jordans parents are coming to visit the first and second of april....aaahhhh! It will be great to see them but i think we will have to deep clean sooner than i thought. Anyway,
thank you God for my house of pee!

Built up? or torn down.




I feel like i am being equiped for something bigger than i would ever be able to handle. All these things that are happening and that have happened with people that i love and wouldn't dream of being without have made me crazy, and sad, and depressed, and then humble and strong at the same time. I feel like i have been crushed over and over. But then life goes on and new blessings come to me, ne life comes to me. New love comes to me. But God what is it all for? Are these people around me going insane because i am supposed to learn from it? are you allowing it so that i can be ready for my own insanity in the future? Or is it just the devil in my life and around me, useing me and feeding off of me to tear me down , year by year. I guess there are two ways to see the world. From Gods point of view or from the devils. I can either be a victim or a warrior. I can be the insane one or the overcommer. I can be the desease or the helper. I have all these feelings of confusion in me. Sad, angry, depressed, thankful, confused, unaware of the bigger picture. Needing answers to live on in peace. And then God tells me that he is my peace and my answer. Its weird too. What people don't take into concideration about God. I finally started to learn it once i gace birth to my own son. That sometimes God gives an answer that you don't like, when you ask something of God, the answer could be yes or no. I am so hurt over this stuff. And selfish, like, why is it happening to me? But its not. It happened to my dad. It happenend to my x-husband. It happened to my old mother in law and it's happening again. Its just feels all me me me because i am and have been seriously connected to all these people. With the same dissorder....bipolar. i don't even like calling it that anymore. Its like the demon of the mind desease. The eyes ya know? they just go, and then someone else takes the place of that loved one you used to know. But im charged this morning. No more feeling sorry for myself or that demon. Im ready to speak the love of God over this life, the peace, the breakthrough. Satan, go back to hell. I not only want myself to be protected all of my life with God.......my whole family shall be protected. I gave up so fast with my dad. Because he was the first on...and he was a pastor and he was obsessed with Jesus as anyone i had ever seen. So when his eyes and words left him, and someone eles took his place, i was afraid for my life and own sanity and in a half of a years time, he was gone forever. Im still living, and so is he, so not all is lost. But he is so far removed, that i feel stupid hopeing that when i do see him, he will have the eyes of the dad i used to know. The fun, quorky, silly,loveing father i used to have. I see him about once a year. He isn't dangerous. He isn't even that bad. But the only way i have been able to handle him is to mourn the death of my real father and to realize that he won't be coming back to me. So when i visit Grant Withers.....i see this balding pot bellied old man who talks allot of gibberish about bible numonics and math. He's like the weird guy you pick up hitchhikeing and talks your ear off about the governments theorys....or the guy that hangs out in front of the same old coffee shop talking into the lives of random strangers about his past wife and kids and how they all ganged up against him. Lost i guess. Lost to me. The ironic part is that he is still strangley a christian. Still saying "im always praying for you bethany!" and it creeps me out to know that he is praying to my God too. Getting his peace and love and new life with the same God that keeps me going every day. Whenever i feel that i way, i feel like jonah. He sat above ninivah and was pissed off that God saved all those people when they didn't deserve it. They didn't work as hard to be that close to God as jonah did. And God made the bush for him up there on the hill, and then made the bush die. Jonah was like "ah man.....my bush died" and God said "see, you feel more sorry for that bush than all these people down there wanting a second chance." Im just greedy for my God to be the same way that i think him to be. A God to the just, a God to the good, a God to the faithful and true. But no, he's a God to me and a God to wicked and he even loves a child molester or a murderer or a rapist with the same love that he has for me or for all who are "perfect". Prayer is all that helps me, without him i would be lost too.

This isn't fair!

Im so thankful for what i have, and love my family........but when you can't help, and God doesn't fix it in the time i think it should be fixed.......or ever fixes it at all........i feel injustice. But god is so used to me saying that word to him. I have said it 3 times in my praying life to God....real mean and reverent "this isn't fair God". I wonder how he feels when i talk to him like that.....thank you GOD for my family,please help us connect to you in unity, i know we are meant for big things, big big things.

Power of Prayer.....right?

LIving in worry is no way to live at all. Every time i think that i have tackled the mess of worry, it shows up again to slap me in the face and proove me wrong. Or, i don't know, maybe Gods keeping me in check.......just to let me know that it was never me that tackled anything. Withought him i'de be a wreck. Really. Godless bethany is horrible, i've seen her before. Mean condisending person, gossip, insecure, selfish, only out for my own good and pleasure, and worry worry worry, which produces anxiety of all different sorts. But then i finally realized that God made me a good person and him alone is the reason i have peace, that i can give peace and most of the time, maintain it. Then there are times like these. Something totally out of this worlds control happens......and i don't know what to do. My mind totally goes blank, i forget that God has the problem under conrol wether i give it up to him or not. And i run around trying to control everything with the arrogance of my mouth. I just want to be kept in check ya know? I hate not haveing complete control of my surroundings, not knowing the answers right away, not knowing how to fix things. But those are feelings of my old self, that keep trying to come out. Pray pray pray. Just keep my mouth shut and keep giving it to God over and over agian. and then pray prayers of thanks. Give it up.......and then let go. I see someone hurting, but they don't want the kind of help i have.......or they don't know how to reach it. And for some reason i can't tell them how to get it. Its just not working. Its like one of those mysteries of God and the world. The kind of mysteries with no justifiable answers. Like how right now, babies are dying......of cold, of pain, of starvation, of neglect. God, how can they starve, when they are so innocent.....so small and so perfect? I don't know.....and God has never answered that for me. I don't go around angry at God about it. Another great mystery to me is how children of God....pastors, ministers, missionarys.......can get chemical disorders in their brains after serving God their whole lives, then spiral off the deep end and wind up not beleiving in God at all? I know a pastors wife right now that slices her arms so much in her little psycho spells that she has no real skin left on them that hasn't been hacked. The meds that she is on keeps fluctuating and doing weird things to her body so she's like zombified for a week and then crazy hyper, creepy for another month, then slicing herself and crying another month. Are the Meds of the world wrong to take? Is the worldly therapy wrong? Is it wrong that she is in charge of leading Gods children down the straight and narrow path when God has not cured her of her desease? I know no answers to any of this. And its strange that my whole life i have been placed around mentally unstable CHRISTIANS. Not just crazy people....but crazy cristians......God does work in mysterious ways. I think some day i will have the answers. And in a way.....i am crazy, sane and strong. God is so good....but how do i help others and myself but to stay constantly in prayer. Pray pray pray........i now think that to have "the fear of God" in me means that i am terrified of what would happen to me and the ones that i love if i didn't have God at all. Pray.

p.s. if anyone ever does read this......sorry its a little heavy :)

Helloo all. I decided to try out theblogspot. after all and see where it takes me. Im such an invert at times and then a real talker at others......it doesn't make much sense to me either. So writing helps me allot. I usually write in a journal, i have stacks and stacks of them, but since getting married, i haven't written down one word on paper. Weird huh? I don't know, Just got motivated. Anyhoo, right now it's raining outside and my son is dripping wet in the kitchen, not from the rain but the shower. My dog is sleeping on the couch and my wonderful husband is off working his life away to keep us going. Im just doing my morning routine......coffee, while asher eats some breakfast, throw the dog outside, try and clean the house really quick, put asher in the shower and then make a list of what i want to get done that day. Today i need to finish sewing my moms skirt. She has been asking me for weeks and i feel bad that i put it off so long. I have been praying for this supernatural sewing power to come over me and that i could start making money for my family. Right after i prayed my sister tabitha came up and asked me to make her some wrap around pants(my speacialty). So i did it, and she loved them, and i charged 20 dollars. Then my mom already wanted a skirt and as soon as she saw the pants tabitha was wearing, she wanted a pair. Then tabithas friend saw them and wants a pair too! I just stared laughing. I was like "you know God, im not even gunna freak out about money or time or material.....you obviosly have it all under control" and he does. Ask and you shall recieve. Why does it surprise me every time i ask and actually recieve? Im like "God please this and please that....." and he gives it to me and i run around thinking "wow God! i can't beleive you did that for me!" If the good book says it....just believe it right? Well im still trying, and failing ,and trying ,and figuring it all out, and then i give up all together........and Gods like "no no, don't give up, just give it to me." So alright God, i'll give it all to you. Man, i just rambled! this is really fun. I feel like my thoughts are all scattered all over the page and no one will be able to follow what im saying, but thats alright......this isn't the only blog in the sea! I just tried to do a spell check, but mu computer is really slow......sorry!
Thank you God for this morning and for the rain and for all the things that are my duty. Peace for everyone right now God, love always.