Built up? or torn down.




I feel like i am being equiped for something bigger than i would ever be able to handle. All these things that are happening and that have happened with people that i love and wouldn't dream of being without have made me crazy, and sad, and depressed, and then humble and strong at the same time. I feel like i have been crushed over and over. But then life goes on and new blessings come to me, ne life comes to me. New love comes to me. But God what is it all for? Are these people around me going insane because i am supposed to learn from it? are you allowing it so that i can be ready for my own insanity in the future? Or is it just the devil in my life and around me, useing me and feeding off of me to tear me down , year by year. I guess there are two ways to see the world. From Gods point of view or from the devils. I can either be a victim or a warrior. I can be the insane one or the overcommer. I can be the desease or the helper. I have all these feelings of confusion in me. Sad, angry, depressed, thankful, confused, unaware of the bigger picture. Needing answers to live on in peace. And then God tells me that he is my peace and my answer. Its weird too. What people don't take into concideration about God. I finally started to learn it once i gace birth to my own son. That sometimes God gives an answer that you don't like, when you ask something of God, the answer could be yes or no. I am so hurt over this stuff. And selfish, like, why is it happening to me? But its not. It happened to my dad. It happenend to my x-husband. It happened to my old mother in law and it's happening again. Its just feels all me me me because i am and have been seriously connected to all these people. With the same dissorder....bipolar. i don't even like calling it that anymore. Its like the demon of the mind desease. The eyes ya know? they just go, and then someone else takes the place of that loved one you used to know. But im charged this morning. No more feeling sorry for myself or that demon. Im ready to speak the love of God over this life, the peace, the breakthrough. Satan, go back to hell. I not only want myself to be protected all of my life with God.......my whole family shall be protected. I gave up so fast with my dad. Because he was the first on...and he was a pastor and he was obsessed with Jesus as anyone i had ever seen. So when his eyes and words left him, and someone eles took his place, i was afraid for my life and own sanity and in a half of a years time, he was gone forever. Im still living, and so is he, so not all is lost. But he is so far removed, that i feel stupid hopeing that when i do see him, he will have the eyes of the dad i used to know. The fun, quorky, silly,loveing father i used to have. I see him about once a year. He isn't dangerous. He isn't even that bad. But the only way i have been able to handle him is to mourn the death of my real father and to realize that he won't be coming back to me. So when i visit Grant Withers.....i see this balding pot bellied old man who talks allot of gibberish about bible numonics and math. He's like the weird guy you pick up hitchhikeing and talks your ear off about the governments theorys....or the guy that hangs out in front of the same old coffee shop talking into the lives of random strangers about his past wife and kids and how they all ganged up against him. Lost i guess. Lost to me. The ironic part is that he is still strangley a christian. Still saying "im always praying for you bethany!" and it creeps me out to know that he is praying to my God too. Getting his peace and love and new life with the same God that keeps me going every day. Whenever i feel that i way, i feel like jonah. He sat above ninivah and was pissed off that God saved all those people when they didn't deserve it. They didn't work as hard to be that close to God as jonah did. And God made the bush for him up there on the hill, and then made the bush die. Jonah was like "ah man.....my bush died" and God said "see, you feel more sorry for that bush than all these people down there wanting a second chance." Im just greedy for my God to be the same way that i think him to be. A God to the just, a God to the good, a God to the faithful and true. But no, he's a God to me and a God to wicked and he even loves a child molester or a murderer or a rapist with the same love that he has for me or for all who are "perfect". Prayer is all that helps me, without him i would be lost too.

This isn't fair!

Im so thankful for what i have, and love my family........but when you can't help, and God doesn't fix it in the time i think it should be fixed.......or ever fixes it at all........i feel injustice. But god is so used to me saying that word to him. I have said it 3 times in my praying life to God....real mean and reverent "this isn't fair God". I wonder how he feels when i talk to him like that.....thank you GOD for my family,please help us connect to you in unity, i know we are meant for big things, big big things.