Im such a weiner....

My last post was a little explosive. Well, i feel like i have that little buggy out of my system.
Today i am working till one and then i go and pick up asher from tabs and we are off to Redding! I know...i never thought the day would come either when i would put an exclamation point at the end of that word. But i do....Redding!!!! Im just so glad to get away. Im glad to see my lovely friend elena and to visit with jordans family. I have gained a whole 10 pounds in my 4 months of pregnancy and it kinda hurts my ego. "hi family!!!! arent i fat?" But no, its ok, cause im pregnant and like I've said before, im no nibbler. Its not even me........its this thing...this feeling, im so empty feeling in my stomach that all i can do is keep eating and eating. I mean, i can eat like three plates full of whatever and a couple glasses of milk and desert if i just dont stop myself.
So we are going to redding tonight and then leaving on monday. I should be a nice little visit and hopefully we'll get to relax. Im nerveous about the first part of the trip, my car is just jimmy rigged all over to get me to and from work(2 miles away) so i have to drive my car to lake county to where jordan is working and then we will leave it there and take his truck the rest of the way to redding. I hope i hope i hope it doesnt break down......



We havnt given up on it cause i look so cute driveing around!

Remember the land?

Pregnant feelings......

I feel like i need a therapist or a person outside of my family that i can talk to..............maybe someone i can even talk a little poop too about people. Not to be a bad person, or someone who constantly has bad things to say about people, i just need to be able to be heard.......for someone to be in the same room with me, who is totally engaged in what i am saying, and they have no judgemental feeling towards me, and they dont say much....just agree and let me talk. My husband is good for that, dont get me wrong, i talk his head off every chance i get.
But i also dont want him to get the wrong impression of me, i dont want him to think that i am always cinicle and negative towards people, a backstabber or constantly compaining. Plus, i view it as poison, polution.....dont talk bad about the ones you love. But i love talking bad..........or maybe i just love getting it out of me, these feeling of hurt, confusion and discomfort. I think i will see what God wants to do with it. I dont want to pollute God either, and i dont want him to tell me to shut up. God...the ultimate best friend, i'll just let you know every little thing that bothers me. That girls manners, that ones feeling of others, the way that one treats her husband, the way that one treats others, the way that one views the world, that way that one has no hope, the way that one always complains...............i need to change. I know the problem is me. Im no backstabber.....i am a loyal and true family member and friend, i just get these thoughts, and i want them out. They bother me. But all in all, i love all of the time, and i want to love everyone.
Lets just say i do love everyone, but i still get bothered by their differences and their petty problems, i wonder what they have to say about me??
Maybe people think i talk to much about what bothers me.........i would like to encourage every once in a while. But maybe thats just the thing....your so freken insecure and selfish that i am always telling you that you are so great and no your not fat, your a great mom, you dont have acne, your son isnt under weight, and then i start feeling like you are a little ugly cause you cant except the love around you and you cant realize that you have great things going for you and that there really is no problems except the ones that you are makeing up in your head!!!!
maybe i do encourage all of the freken time and now i just want to tell you to shut up or be happy!

there, i did it. I just need to blow up every once in a while or else i start to go mad!

I mean, i just beleive the only way some people feel good in life is to tell others all these bad things they "think" about themselves, just so the other person will give them a compliment. But if they keep useing that card, eventually others will just start agreeing with them. Hey, if you beleive that about yourself so much, then maybe its true?
Im mean arent i? Dont fish for compliments ok? If you need help, support, a kind ear. Im here and i love you, if you want to put yourself down all day and everyone around you so that im constantly running out of breath to tell you that life is better and so are you, then i just need a little break in between visits. We can be like the 'once a week friends" .

blogger shmogger why is it so hard????

So i am trying to simply make a friends list and add you all on there, just like you have in your sidebar. Im sitting stupidly at this computer wasteing an hour of perfectly good typeing time, just to accomplish nothing. Every time i want to look at someones blog....it goes a little like this
step 1. click on a comment
step 2. click on that persons page
step 3. then use their friends list to see their ffriends latest blogs
then start all over if i want other sites. so just to keep up on my daily reading, i have to click click freken click click!!!


Now that i got that out of the way, i just wanted anyone to know that your not on there cause i dont know how to put you there.

So i woke up this morning at 5.55am as jordan was scrambling around the room with dreads flying tripping over the pants around his ankles, i took another blury look at the clock and said that bad "s" word and then he says "yeah i know" and then i jump up and try not to wake asher cause today is the day that he can stay sleeping and our roomate will watch him until i get off of work. Work.....thats right, back to the wakeing up part.
I was supposed to be at work at 4:45am and it baffles me that i didnt hear the alarm even squeek. I glance a judgemental squinty side glare jordans way for the breif thought that he turned it off once again and made me late(and himself) but then i quickly get dressed and yell "im late!!" he says "me too!!!" We kiss and im out the door, blocking the dog as he's tail wacking me and trying to jump up my face, i hold him off with the door and shove him in and get into my car.
I am now the employer and the employee, so there is some reasurance in this but i find myself contiplateing wether i should fire myself if this turns into a pattern or if i should keep myslef on for my other great attributes.....then i hear my sister inlaw stiring up stairs (she is also part employer now) and i start the car as quick as possible and slam it into gear so maybe she thinks i am just a passing car and not one that is an hour late in her driveway. I dont stop at the sign and floor it out of there(at about 5 miles an hour....since the car is so cold) so maybe she wont look out the window and see me.
I get to work.........start the coffee just as the work crew pulls in(my husband, my brother and my brother in-law) they all walk straight back to the fridge case and grab their meal deals. I have jordan put the air conditioner back into the window cause it weighs more than asher and then they all wait ten minutes for me to scramble to get the brazil roast going so they can drink their coffee....they all like the light roast the best. The brother in law pays with his card.....the brother says that his wife will pay for it (the part owner law i outran this morning)
and jordan pays with the gift certificate i gave him for his birthday. They leave...kissy kissy, luvs mm hmms...bye now
Then i get a call .....6:30am
Its the roomate. I hear crying in the background and she says that asher is awake and he is really upset. So i get on the phone with him and i can tell by the tone in his voice that he is so exhausted that his eyes are probably rolling back in his head and he cant be calmed down. So i do all the usual tricks......."big like batman" and "we are going to hear the baby's heartbeat today and you are the big brother" he is still sad but i can tell he is excited to go to the doctor with me. I tell my roommate that im really sorry, i dont know why he woke so early(i had promised him sleeping till nine) but then i had to hang up cause a line of people came in at once and i was left wondering how asher handled himself today. He is in a new phase, The one that hates it when i leave and crys heartbreaking crys when i dont stay. If i get up at 4:30am to go to work, he used to stay asleep for the ride to my sisters, but now he wakes up....crys, asks for juice, asks for a story, to touch my face, for me to lay with him.........then im swerving to work 15 minutes late, asher is juiced, fed, storied and he still woke up my sister and if the screaming goes on for a while, then my sisters two children too.
Life goes on.
I am going to enroll him into the preschool here for this year. I feel like he will love it. He has been obsessed with it for years, ready for school!! he yells when he gets his back pack on. We plan to homeschool for sure. I picture more children and more time. I guess those are things that i have work at (except the baby makeing part!) Right now though, it feels just like the perfect thing. He can go one day a week or 5. He can go home at 12:30 or 5pm(hopefully not longer) I have heard nothing but good things about the teachers and the programs and so im really excited for him. Our plan is to have him in there this year....maybe next, and then by then we will be more established. I will stay home with the kids (it feels so weird saying the word with an s) and teach them what i can, and the bissiness will be more steady and running easily without me being behind the counter 40 hours a week. Someday i think we might even hire someone outside of the family to work here.Then we can all be in the same place at the same time!

AAAHHHHHhhhhhhh...........the first sip of a real coca cola. I am finally haveing a better day.

Weird things....

So there is this guy who is with this woman who.....has an addiction problem that i am guessing has gone on for many years....you can just tell. She has been coming into the shop every so often, and i alsways apreciate her happy attitude, although it is obvious that it is coming from a form of drugs, she stil is always sweet to me and knows my name. She drives this mercedes that is maybe a 73 and i have a broken one that has been a huge burden on us since it broke, and its a 76.

So i said one day "hey, do you happen to have an extra radiator?" she said no way...you have to find it on ebay. But then one day she brought in the guy. He kinda creeps me out cause he is so "mellow" and he looks like jerry garcia but more handsome and he is like "chill mama' and stuff like that. He comes in cause she said that my car was broken and its sad......so he said "i heard you have an old mercedes that is broken, do you want me to come look at it, i have 4 of them." i said, well sure that would be great, we could use all the help could get. then he asks when would be a good day to come over. I say any time thats god for him. He was like "well, im not good with appointments and i dont like being expected places, so just give me a time and if i dont show up, its because im not good with keeping my appts. I say um......every day after 6:30 or 7 and that seemed to work for him.
He came in again yesterday and said that he figured that it was a good day to go look at my car. So i told him that jordan would be there and he said that he would either be there by 6:30 or around the time that the sun goes down. When i got home from work........my car was driveing around the block for like a half hour without problems. My good ol' mercedes. So jordan comes in and was like "wow! that guy is really cool, i like him, and he fixed the car, and he is going to show me how to fix it up and he want to help us make it cherry." Well i got suspicious and was like "what the hell does he want?" because its creepy these days when people do things with no expectations of payment. But jordan said that he didnt want anything, but that he gave the guy a pack of ciggs. and 30 dollars. So thanks God for sending the used mercedes angel and his very unlikeley girlfiriend.

He said that right now he thinks we could drive it to santa rosa and back, but no more until we fix it up more. Of course the horrible side in me says to jordan "but i dont want a car that can drive a little ways....i want one that will actually take us places......without breaking down, maybe we can fix it up enough to sell it?" He has always wanted to keep it.......through this whole time of buying it from a dealership for 2 thousand dollars and then haveing it break down in 3 weeks and then haveing it sit in my sisters yard for 3 months. I cried(for real) almost every time looked at the beast....'my new baby is going to float around in that?'
.............i feel it will all work out, i need to keep praying, thats when the good stuff happens.

Im in this weird phase, i cant stop typeing and i dont have that many interesting things to say, but why not right? I dont really journal any more and i used to do that for years and years. One day the internet will blow up and crash and all of my precious memories will be gone......or there could be a fire and all of my journals will burn, so either way i might just be needing a way to express myself all of the time.
The baby feels so different this time. I dont remember feeling so achey so early. The baby is only the size of an apple and i feel like im already waddleing. I have officially gained 10 pounds in the first trimester. Im a little pissed and it makes me avoid the mirror, but it was inevitable. Im not one of those pregos who nibbles. I have to have a meal every 2 hours, thats just all there is to it. I do hope i can keep my weight gain in the right amount this time. Its feels so bad to feel bad.
With asher i gained 45 pounds. Before i was pregnant with him though, i was a smoker, addicted to meth and had a eating disorder.....so the blow up in weight was understandable. Thats probably why it was so hard for me. It depressed me so bad cause i was obsessed with my weight to begin with. Not to mention the relationship i was in and how much i tried to please this child who was going to be a father. I even took vicadin and smoked pot a few times so that mu x-husband would say "hey, dont do that its bad for the baby" and then i would see that he cared. But he never did. I was so stupid. Who isnt at 17?
This pregnancy is bound to be better. Yes it has been hard. It was really hard to hear that jordan was having a really hard time with it. That this wasnt the pregnancy he pictured haveing with me in his dreams, but i feel like it couldnt be helped.
Well maybe if i counted on God straight from the beginning instead of waiting for things to get really bad....then it woudnt have been such a bad three months.
Oh well, i can only hope for the best. I really do love being pregnant
i just dont love being crazy and stressed out and working 80 hours a week and still not haveing enough money to pay the bills.
God is good! :)

I never really really leave

So........

Yeah, it has been a while. Busy busy. I had a couple hundred break downs and a crazy first few weeks as a new small bussiness owner and now i feel like i am able to take a little breather...............aaahhhhh
So this is what my baby looks like this week (just 15) and i really really think that she is a girl, and Im excited!

My midwife...who is awsome by the way, says she thinks its a girl because the heart beat is really fast and thats probably why my symptoms are completley opposite of what ashers pregnancy was like.


I feel better, way better. I am now a little more happy about everything. I love my husband and son more this week than i have in the last 3 months and i love my job, and my family, and my situation. I had been soooooo stressed out, i cant even explain the torture i put myself and jordan through with all of my worrying and unhappiness.

Its not like i could help it really, i would collaps on our bed every night and just cry and not be able to move, just so so tired, which made me sick, which made me angry..."why me, why now?"
But then something just snapped, and so did jordan. (poor guy)
I was feeling the whole....."show me some attention and act pregnant too cause im suffering" thing and he couldn't even say hi without me biteing his head off ....it was one of those visious cycles that takes just one person acting great first, and then the other follows.
Of course we couldnt do that or figure that out until the clouds parted and a voice from heaven says "BE NICE".
Long story short, we sorted it out, but the really funny thing to me is, that this is when all of the doctors and books tell you everything will sort out. After the first 3 months is over, then you start to feel sane again and you can look on the world with love every morning once more.

So im still tired but im getting into the feeling of pregancy and the joy of it. Im actually excited this time and not really freaked out. I feel loved, and i feel like my baby is loved and this is the first week where i dont feel like compaining anymore(thanks God) i was getting tired of my own voice rattleing around and around our one bedroom.

The coffee shop is going great! We opened last sunday and it has been a thrill and a freak show and at first i couldn'e breath(first trimesters fault im sure) but its starting to settle in. I picture carrying my newborn in a sling while makeing coffee for the masses.
I want everyone i know to come and see it and feel how much of our time we put into this little business already. God just told us to go for it, and then it felt like it was never going to happen, but through the whole thing, we all knew we would get it. So since God put it together, i feel like its going to be exactly that thing that will fill us with that sence of (what is it?) Its just going to be great some day, beleive!

Its jordans 22nd birthday on Monday, so we celebrated it last night at scandia family fun center. I think he had a lot of fun...and yes thats where he wanted to go. We splurged on random video games and rides for hours and hours. It was great. I almost got mad when we were rideing the go carts......but the sign said "pregnant woman not advised" and i still went, so it was my fault.

There we were, green light go.
Theres like 10 of us, going pretty fast, and jordan the birthday boy is in front. Birthday luck. So i was having fun, speeding around and skidding out all over the place, when i come up on jordan to pass him. He freken slams on his brakes!!
It was like getting into a small car crash (which is what it was) and i went to a dead stop. Anyway, i started to get mad, cause he kept doing it and i was yelling at him and tell him to be careful, then i would try and pass him again....That kid, he almost killed us both. If the cart didnt have seatbelts i would have been skidding across the track on my face. I saw this crazed look in his eyes like "i dont even know who you are and i am the god of the race track JORDAN!!!!!"

So i got this feeling of like.....rage i guess you would call it, and i started swerving right to left to get a good angle on his bumper, then at the end was my best chance and i got him pretty good. He slammed into the guard rail when i bumped in and spun all the way backward, i think he even got hit by the others.....HAHAHAH WHOS THE WINNER NOW??!!!

Anyway, it was a pretty fun party. We played miniture golf and the batting cages, and then went to dennys for a 2 in the morning snack. Happy Birthday bud. Pregnant girls out there, in case you were wondering if you could ride the bumper cars , i would say, no. People tend to lose themselves in the game if you know what i mean. Its not for the safety of your baby im worried about....but your relationships! no im just jokeing, it wasnt that bad.....really, i only have like 2 bruises from the seatbelt impact!