What a long strange trip its been.

     I'm exhausted. Sad. Thankful. Unsure. Excited.  It doesn't happen that often in life when i get all of these emotions at the same time.  We left yesterday from Eugene to Redding California.  We were at the coffee shop with our friends Jared and Gillian.  We were meeting at our favorite coffee spot just one last time.  Things were off to an ok ending.  Kids running around, drinks getting bumped. Nothing out of the ordinary.  It was to be a good day.  The start of another life, more life to be lived, more things to come.  I think the day started off bad when i started crying.  I had never seen Gillian cry for more than a tear drop before she composed herself, i didn't expect her to show me that she was actually going to miss me around....she has this way of pretending that shes a bad ass and its pretty convincing if you don't know her.  So i saw her cry and then i realized what i was leaving.  Her Laurie, my friends that i have come to love and count on...and our children and the bonds they have.  You just can't explain to a 3 year old that tomorrow you can't come over, or ever.
I just had to turn around and leave.  It felt like a break up.  But worse.  Then i was in the parking lot in this huge u-haul crying all over myself.
That was the start of the bad day.
  On the road we went.   Jordan and Asher had the bus ahead of us and Raanan and I had the U-haul.  The wind advisory was the start of the worries.  I could see that little bus pitching all over the road in front of me and i felt so scared for them.  We had to go about 45 miles most of the way.  Then I saw them quickly pull off the road and jump out of the bus.  I guess smoke started to come out of the dash and a fuse caught on fire...so we had to yank that out, turns out we didn't really need it anyway...haha
Then the U-haul just decided to need lots and lots of gas...and we just sort of ran out of money.
We got some help and waited at a gas station eating our packed lunches, noticing the rain getting a little more icy.  So we felt truly thankful and blessed to have been helped...but our money turned from positive to negative in minutes and the kids were over the drive.  This four and a half hour drive was turning into a ten hour drive.
Jordan and i both felt like crying, we just wanted to lay down and sleep...turn around and go back to the apartment...we were staring at eachother like....did we really just leave?!?
  Then we pressed on, but the snow started in.  It was dark and it just hit like blizzard style.  Now im not much of a baby i don't think.  But all these things happening, piling up just made me lose it.  So Raanan was screaming to get out of her seat, kicking the window, the dash and flailing around. The snow started up and i was blinded.  I was the first truck leading all these cars through the white pass...no lanes, creeping along.  I just lost it.  Raanan stopped screaming and asked to hold my hand, she said "mamma don't cry its snow"
We turned on some radio station that would help me try and relax. I found a preacher in the middle of a message and he was talking about how to properly grieve......then i started crying again.
    For 2 days i have been praying, thinking about and missing my grandma.  Just having heard the night before that she was being put on hospice, im stuck with what i should do. How can i help.  How can i let her know how much i love her.  So there we were, driving blind, with no money, holding hands, listening to a message on how to grieve the loss of the ones you love.
   I realized how much love i have in this life.  How many people care for me, how many people who would come to my funeral.  Death is so strange, after living such a life of love and relationships.
After i prayed, thought about life and adventure and love a little more, my whole outlook shifted into a nice story ahead of us.  I'm rich...
We unloaded the u-haul with the help of my little sister in law and her boyfriend. The kids got all warm and cozy with grandma and grandpa on the couch.  We got things taken care of.  We are taken care of.
   We have plans to fly out Wednesday to North Carolina.  I was trying to find a way to stay, to make sure i could help with my grandma, to respect her, to be there and send love but it seems impossible.  I know God can do the impossible though, we will see.   I think this is the worst blog i've ever written...haha
sorry. Im just trying to grieve the right way.

Gillian

Laurie

I got my hair done :)

We got matching friends forever tattoos

Off we go!!